still

i still pay like…$50 a year to keep this site up. i don’t know why but I guess I just don’t want to let go of the past. the feelings i had were so real back then. today, i’m so caught up in my life and trying to find a job, sometimes i don’t even feel.

anyways, i am still with julie after a roller coaster of 700+ days. we are less than a month from two years. incredible. but also very frightening. she is ready to settle down but i am not. i don’t want to settle for anything when the whole world is in front of me. to be able to go on missions for a year or go on a trip to asia or anything else that i can’t do when i am settled. those are all things i am giving up and slowly losing a grasp of.

we have had our trials and near misses many many times. i am afraid if i continue down this path, there might be no turning back. maybe i just need to let go and do the one thing i am still too weak to do. God, i need your help for this one. I need your guidance.

what should i do? what will i do?

six mo.

it’s been over six months now since you and i began to date and it’s been quite the journey. i never would have thought we would have happened and there were so many signs pointing us to nothing. you were leaving and i was staying. but in the end, we’re still us and we’re still together.

and i couldn’t be happier.

you’ve shown me so much love and so much grace. you understand me and know me. you trust me and you support me. you are everything that a guy could ask for from his girlfriend.

when i told you i was falling in love with you, i really meant it. sure, i’ve said it before. but, this time it feels different. there’s more weight to it but it’s  a good weight. the weight of your love is real and i’m so happy to be able to carry it in my heart. i am really falling in love with you and i can’t wait to spend more time with you and grow closer to you.

 

thank you, julie.

love, franko.

 

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one mo.

mmexport1505448743935.jpgwell it’s been a month.

crazy how fast time goes but at the same time how slow it goes. it feels like julie and i have been dating for a lot longer than a month. not time wise, but just how we are getting so much closer each day. how she encourages me to pursue by dreams. how she wrecks me when i fuck up. how forgiving she is and how understanding she is towards me.

i honestly have never felt like this ever towards another person besides my family and i often wonder, how did this happen?

how am i dating this girl, who has such a beautiful soul and such a loving heart. and she’s freakin cute too. why did all of this come together at this time, a seemingly perfect yet also imperfect time of my life, when i feel ready and have clarity, but her leaving so soon and us having to be apart.

 

 

Jules

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Let me tell you about my girlfriend (wtf!), Julie. Here’s ten things about her:

  1. She is freakin’ cute. She might be one of the cutest girls I have ever met. Like, she’s legitimately so pretty and really photogenic. I honestly cannot believe she’s my girlfriend.
  2. She loves her family. She makes me want to love on my family more.
  3. She has ambition. She knows what she wants to do, at least for the time being and she’s proud of it. She really inspires me to find my passion.
  4. She’s not too innocent. In a good way. We can go out and drink together and it’s completely normal.
  5. She really cares about others and she shows her love through her actions.
  6. She serves God with all of her heart, even when it’s tough. That’s something I really need to get better at.
  7. She’s encouraging.
  8. She’s loving in all ways.
  9. She’s down to earth and real.
  10. She takes initiative and isn’t afraid to go after what she wants.

 

 

let’s do it.

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Well, another few weeks have gone by since I last wrote here. And boy, it seems like things are changing and moving forward real quick. But it’s all good and I don’t regret anything.

I’m dating now. That’s right. ME and JULIE are DATING. WHAT THE FFFFUUUUUUUUCCCCCK. HAHA.

Seriously, I don’t even know if it’s hit me yet. What we have right now is all I ever wanted. She’s all that I ever dreamed of. When I was lonely, it was someone like her that I longed to have in my life. And now look where we’ve gone. We’re officially dating (as of 9/4/17). We’re holding hands, we’ve been to Santa Monica, we’ve even gone to freaking DISNEYLAND. It might seem like we’re going too fast but honestly, I think we’re okay. She’s the type to move pretty fast emotionally and even physically, from her last relationships. And to be honest, I am that kind of person too. It’s just pretty hard to figure out if we actually are moving too fast or if this is just the only way we can happen.

Recently though, I’ve been pretty up and down. She got pretty guilty when her ex texted her and she kept the conversation going. She felt really bad and was really sorry and she told me she has no feelings for him anymore. I don’t know if that’s true but I told her I trust her word and that’s all that matters. The thing is, the closer I get to her and the more I start to like, I’m getting more and more afraid of losing her. Just thinking about not having her and her leaving after this semester is making me pretty sad. I don’t know what’s going to happen but for now, I’m just gonna take it day by day. I really like her and I really want us to work out.

Jules, let’s do this.

let’s talk.

last time i wrote here, i was quite an emotional man. i was saddened deeply by the idea that i may have never gotten the chance with this girl that i had just spent a few days with but made me feel something that i had not felt in a very long time. perhaps it was all an overreaction and over-exaggeration of the feelings that i felt that night. i thought reality had caught up to me and logic would win once again, preventing my desires from coming to fruition.

but i write now with a lightened heart, one that is becoming slightly fuller and fuller each day. i write now with a sense of hope and, though illogical, and sense of ambition for someone that will only leave come December. i am filled a little more joy and peace than i had before. i possess a sense of confidence only a man who is content has.

it all started this past summer, when i got closer to charis. we would always hangout together and we spent a lot of time together, the three of us. i never really considered anything between me and her. i never gave it a thought. perhaps after getting that match soft serve i had a sense of something but i kind of played it off. the time we spent together i was very happy and i laughed and smiled, genuinely. then came after she came back from missions. a joke started that her and i were “dating”. i kept it going because it was fun and i didnt think it would amount to anything. but then she started talking to me. i didnt hate it so i kept it going. then one day, i wasnt feeling being social so i was social with her. we spent all day together, “studied”, discovered new food places, got dim sum, strolled through the mall, and that night we went out and got pretty drunk together. i was out of it and near the end, i even tried to hold her hand. after that night, i felt good. i thought it was all good and i had the time of my life. then for the next week we each went through our own little journey through our thoughts and emotions. then, the night before i went home, she asked me “hey can we talk when you get back?”. one week later, i spending it in wisconsin and her in pennsylvania, we talked. and then we became a thing. we started to see each other. officially.

jules

im not sure who exactly you are, and who you are to me. im not sure what we are and what we are doing. but i do know one thing. with you, its different. you are compassionate, you care, you show your love in many ways. i see it through your actions and i admire you and respect you for that. i also love how ambitious you are and how big of a heart you have for Jesus. i am very excited to be on this journey with you and i hope with all my heart that we will only go uphill from here. lets do this.

To Those Nights

`Something like this I never would’ve expected to happen. This whole thing I never expected to happen. It’s the culmination of months of emotions that have been all over the fucking place. Moments of hope and joy and happiness, coupled with moments of despair, heartbreak, and depression. This summer has just been so much, perhaps too much to bear. From the beginning to the nearing end, my heart has been exposed in it’s weakness, my own logic and rationality weak and ineffective. What my heart desires, my self is not prepared to hold. What my mind knows is wrong, my heart thinks is right.
`Maybe it was just a short period of time, perhaps just a few nights. Maybe it all moved a little too fast. But in those nights, time was infinite. In those moments, every pain, every heartbreak, every worry faded into the light of day and the darkness of the night. With you, I felt something that I had not felt in a very long time. Actually, I simply just felt for the first time in a long time. A feeling of completeness and a pure joy unrivaled by anything else this world could have to offer at this point in my life. Yes, it might have just been one day and one night, but to know that those might never happen again, makes me wish we had never gone this far. Even if it seems like we haven’t gone anywhere at all, where we are now just might be one step beyond what we are ready for, one step beyond what we need at this point in our journey. It makes me wonder that perhaps we never should’ve met at all. If timing is everything, what’s the point of meeting someone at the least opportune time? Is it worth it at all to keep anything going if we know that it’s going to end soon anyways?  Wouldn’t it be better to just pretend nothing ever happened and be strangers again? But I would be a dick and completely selfish if I were to cut you out of my life. Plus I don’t think I could ever get myself to do it.
`To be honest, I’m fucking confused. I’ve never been good at taking any kind of signals and I tend to take the smallest things and blow them out of proportion. If everything was platonic before, where is the line drawn? Looking back, I cannot tell with certainty what was simply platonic and what possibly had a slight inkling of intention. I don’t know what to say and I don’t know how to act. I no longer know where to place you in my life. Again, we’ve barely scratched the surface of the chasms of our lives, present past and future, that we contain in our souls, but something about you makes me want to go deeper. Your dreams, your compassion, your desire to serve the Lord; they are all parts of you that I want as a part of me and my broken self. Yes, I’m sure you have plenty of red flags but so do I. Don’t we all? Regardless, again the question is what’s the point? You’re leaving and that’s not going to change whatsoever. While I’m stuck here to bask in whatever I have here in this city, you’ll be off pursuing your dreams and changing lives. Damn, now that’s something to be proud of. And what the fuck am I doing? Gentrifying the already segregated cities of America for the profit and the well being of capitalist, money-craving business people? Is that really what I’ve gotten myself into? Maybe, but for now all we know is that you’ll be changing lives while I continue to follow an unknown path of seemingly nothing.
`In those moments, you gave me a temporary joy, peace, and escape from the shit that has been happening in my life. In those moments you made me laugh, your smile utterly contagious. But, everything about you was just so…improbable for me to have. Perhaps I don’t deserve someone like you. All I know is this, what you know is what you know. What you’ve decided is what you’ve decided. In the end, those moments simply came at the most inconvenient, least logical time. Maybe one day, when we’re off doing our own things, making an impact wherever we are, we’ll meet again at a better time and we’ll start over and give us the chance that we never got.

“Come and take my hand
Promise you won’t regret
Give me just one chance
Come and take my hand
Promise you won’t forget
Say yes, say yes
Yeah, yeah”

-joan

/love somebody like you/

logically thinking

sometimes the least expected things happen when you least expect, with people you least expect. it’s all good and there’s no red flags. but then you take a step back and think about it. you come down from cloud nine and think logically. there are so many factors to account for and so many elements that are just…out of your control. the time you had  felt so good, but the timing of it all is just so off. there’s nothing you can do without being seemingly selfish and either getting hurt or doing the hurting.