still

i still pay like…$50 a year to keep this site up. i don’t know why but I guess I just don’t want to let go of the past. the feelings i had were so real back then. today, i’m so caught up in my life and trying to find a job, sometimes i don’t even feel.

anyways, i am still with julie after a roller coaster of 700+ days. we are less than a month from two years. incredible. but also very frightening. she is ready to settle down but i am not. i don’t want to settle for anything when the whole world is in front of me. to be able to go on missions for a year or go on a trip to asia or anything else that i can’t do when i am settled. those are all things i am giving up and slowly losing a grasp of.

we have had our trials and near misses many many times. i am afraid if i continue down this path, there might be no turning back. maybe i just need to let go and do the one thing i am still too weak to do. God, i need your help for this one. I need your guidance.

what should i do? what will i do?

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