“It’s not that I can’t fall in love. It’s really that I can’t help falling in love with too many things all at once. So, you must understand why I can’t distinguish between what’s platonic and what isn’t, because it’s all too much and not enough at the same time.”

― Jack Kerouac

to find joy

things have been pretty hard for me these days. this summer has just been a rollercoaster of emotions. some days i’m on cloud nine and everything is fine. i can smile naturally, laugh genuinely, and love without any hindrance. i want to go out with friends and be the extrovert that i can be. but other days i feel like the whole world is on top of me and my will to do anything is completely gone. i think about all the worries in my life and i lose interest in everything. i would rather sleep all day than do literally anything else. but sometimes even sleep is hard because i would have too many thoughts. music would make me even more emotional and seeing another person would just seem like a burden for them because i wouldn’t actually be there. physically i would be, but emotionally and mentally i would be in another world of my own. thoughts would flood my head and my heart would grow heavy, my appetite lost and all joy is unfound. i’m there, but not all of me.

i am lost and uncertain. there’s so much going on in my life and so many unanswered questions. what am i doing with my major? what am i doing with my life? is there a point to anything in life if we’re all going to die anyways?

what am i doing?

but even though i have been participating in questionable activities recently (hmm..) i really want to go back to God. i’ve realized recently that all of this is happening because i have been lacking faith and trust in Him and His sovereignty. i have been putting my trust, identity, and security in other people and things of this world, and not in Him. God, I want more of you.

You will not let go.

You will not let go.

You will never leave me in the dark.

I will not let go.

I will not let go.

I will only cling to you alone.

Perfect love is casting out my fears…

…i want to find joy first in you and you alone.

i love running away from my problems.

it’s something that ive somewhat recently realized that i do.

confrontation is hard, man.

it’s so easy to just cut things off…

to never do the hard things

..never have the hard talks

..never ask the hard questions

the unknown is so easy ignore when you know the known.

but i’ve said it many times,

i don’t want to run away anymore.

i want to grow up and be a man.

someone who isn’t afraid of doing what is right, even when it’s difficult.